I JUST WANT TO LOVE I WANT TO LOVE I WWANT TO FEEL SOMETHING. I WANT TO BE SOMETHING TO SOMEONE TO ANYONE. I can't do this anymore, I can't fucking take this I can't stop I just can't stop lying to myself I can't stop chasing everybody around me, anybody who even shows me the slightest fucking human decency. It's just no good. All I feel is everything and it won't go away. I just want to forget everything, I don't want to be anything anymore. I want to feel everything for SOMEONE. I want to be everything for someone but I am nothing. I can't be anything no matter how hard I try, and oh I've tried. It's no good. Everything I've ever done is just fucking no good. Everything I am is no good. I make fuck ups look like knights in shining armor. Why does everybody but me have something why is everyone BUT ME worth something more than a corpse on the side of the road.. If I was smart I would have already killed myself a long long time ago, bbut I'm not. I have nothing. I have never had any of that. I am alone, I am fucking alone, I have been alone since the start. All I have felt since I could think straight is love. I just want to love, I don't care what it costs I dont care how less of a person I have to become than I already am. This is all that matters to me, and I can't have it. I can't have it. No matter how hard I try to give it to everybody I see like a fucking slut. I will never have it. It's not because I'm not as handsome as some of the other guys my age, or successful, or because I live like a fucking animal because of all that. It's because I'm nothing. I am Nothing. I'm nota person. I CAN'T BE ANYTHING. You can't love "lack there of" people think they know what that means, but noooooooooooooooo. No you do not. I belong in an insane aslyum. it's a miracle they even let me out as many times as they did growing up. I guess I was smart enough back then to play some pretty good lies. Everybody's always lying to me. Nothing steals my heart more than a good lie. like thinking I might've had a family throughout any of this. or now being told the words "I love you" I can't tell if they're making fun of me or trying to make things easier. Just getting to say "I love you" to someone shoots a lethal dose of serotonin right into my head. Let alone hearing it. I don'tcare if it's a lie. Are lies really so bad if they can make you smile? If the truth is cold, then lies are warm. Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too warm for something like me. I'd do anything to just feel a little warm now. I'd give anything. I know I'm going to give up everything. I don't have anything worth living for anyways.. There's nothing stopping me from erasing all of this. From lying in the warmth of my own blood. What's stopping me from stealing somebody else's warmth? I wouldn't have to be alone anymore. We could be together forever. No more conditions, no more struggles, no more pain. Just unconditional, true love. I wonder... WRONG IT'S ALL FUCKING WRONG. I can't buy a gun anyways, my wallet is empty and I'm a registered psychopath. something so sure and certain like that could never be in the cards for me. Not for something like me. I'm a piece of work alright.
What did I do to deserve any of this.. I want to know. I want to know why love is so sharp. I want to know why MY skin gives so easy. I want to know why ripping, burning, and cutting myself open feels so good. Talk about masochism, am I right. I want to have control. I want to be pretty. I want everyone to keep on lying to me. I want to make sense of any of this. I want to love. I want to love. I want to love. I want to love. I WANT TO LOVE. I WANT TO STAY TOGETHER FOREVER. I WANT TO ONLY SEE YOU. I WANT TO SEE THE PROOF OF YOU IN MY BLOOD. I WANT TO LIVE FOR YOU. ONLY YOU. You're all I will ever see. You'll always be with me. You have all of me.
