I'm actually going insane. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I can't get rid of these facts. I am a bad person. I have never been any good. I can't tell if they made me like this or if I was just a lost cause from the start. That was so long ago now it doesn't mean a damn thing either way, besides, I know better. I am better. I CAN BE BETTER. But it's not what I want. It's beginning to feel like who I should be is falling apart and everything that's wrong with me is forcing its way to the forefront. I don't want to stop it anymore. I can't. I've spent the past twenty years of my life trying to chase something so true, amidst all the fucking lies this world and everybody around me forced down my throat. All I wanted was love. It's not love anymore, maybe it never was. I want to have control. I want to chase and catch every single time. It's easy for me to catch, but I can never make them mine. I've done it oh so many times. It's not enough. It doesn't make me feel better. WHAT GOOD IS ANY OF IT IF THEY DONT BELONG TO ME. I can't accept a world where I'm not everything, because they're everything to me? They always are. It's not fair. It's not fucking fair, none of this has ever been any fair. My entire life, I've made it this far and God still won't throw me a fair play. I just want somebody to love me. Howeverrrrrrrr, unfortunately, my situation makes that impossible.
I don't want to hurt what I love, but I can't shake this obsession. I'm nothing more than a drug addict chasing my fix. I want to kill them. I want to make them mine forever. I know I have the ability to act on this. No matter how hard I try and argue with myself for months on end, trying to say it's all meaningless. All that comes out of my mouth is how there would be zero consequences. I have nothing left to live for anyways, the plan has already been to just kill myself for such a long long time now. But I'm scared. I am alone, I've always been alone. I wouldn't have to be alone anymore. It won't stop ringing away in my head. I can't even speak to somebody without imagining what we'd look like embraced together on the floor in a pool of blood. I know it would be heart shaped. Is it really so bad to want to be loved? To not just lie and play pretend with all these conditions. I can't accept any of that. I want to feel something. True love is a few bullets away. It wouldn't hurt at all.
ALL OF YOU ARE ALWAYS SO INTENT ON CHASING LOVE, BUT WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT. IT IS A LIE. I've been around the block too many times for my own good. True love doesn't exist. I know this because my dreams of a fairytale are everything that's wrong with me. I'm suffocating. I'm trying so hard to breathe, but the oxygen just isn't there. Asphyxiation has made me a fucking weirdo, a freak, a degenerate, whatever "normal" people wanna call me these days.
Please. What do I do. I can't be the only one who feels this way. NO FUCKING WAY EVERYBODY ON THIS FORUM IS LYING TO THEMSELVES?? Why doesn't hearing "I love you" make me feel better. Why is nothing enough. WHY IS EVERYTHING NOTHING. And give me one good reason I shouldn't steal the truth everybody here thinks they've already found. Because you never know, you might be what I plan on stealing. It would be so fun and sooooo romantic. I mean, I wouldn't worry. I'm not scary, just a few years ago I was such a good person, I had so many pretty words and interests. I was perfect. They made me leave. You made me leave.
If only I was a pretty anime girl and not some fucked up dude posting serial killer manifestos on the internet, thousands of people would eat this shit straight up. If only I met every condition, every fetish. If I was just perfect, the love I want would be an even greater lie. Damned no matter what.
Anyways, don't lose me. xoxo <3