I ran away. I was supposed to get a specialised therapy and go to a clinik for my mental health. The psychatrist ensured me it wouldn't be scary like in the movies. Luckily i knew not to speak of how i might endanger myself or others. I already got the yes from the therapy that i definetly get a spot and got it, they said how urgent it is to come to them physically. Yet despite their talks about how i should go to stay at a clinik, i made no further appointments, i stopped checking their messages and instead of listening went to find a job where i do work at a social institution for a year, basically running away from the place where i was before and from all help. But being in this new place i realise how incapable i am of living yet. People do things so naturally but i just can't do them, i try my best but it is barely enough for anyone, they say i am not a total catastrophy.. what am i doing wrong? I am working so hard i try to live, but no one sees it, everyone else is more capable somehow it is strange because physically or generally they aren't necessarily that different from me. Maybe i shouldn't have tried to work? Maybe i should have really went to a clinik and kept in touch with them.. but it is so hard for me and so scary too. I don't understand anything but i keep trying, but trying is becoming increasingly more terrifying... every step i take ends up having bad consequences for me. So now i am isolating myself again, fully, from everything, from everyone. Not from my darling but whenever he leaves my side i feel panic, internal panic so bad that i start hurting myself so much despite not wanting to. I feel like such a burden, i feel incapable of living, i feel so scared of people, documents, of everything honestly. I try creating tiny fantasy worlds as addition to reality to make them seem less bad, but now they don't help anymore. I am barely eating, drinking, leaving my bed. I am in pain of the wounds, i am scared of doing anything and i am thinking that being kidnapped out of the society might be the only thing that could make me feel calmer. Why is life so hard? Why do people not see when i try and instead get mad at me for things outside of my control? I try to control, i want to control, i want to be good, perfect, the best, the only, beautiful, correct but the more i try the more i fail and the more i feel so scared inside to keep moving forward. I always lived like a doll in one room. I didn't need to do anything complicated or demanding, but i also was always alone and got stuck so far away from reality, that now that i am ..outside.. i have no idea what to do. I want to go back to being a doll. Observed, not moving, not doing anything dangerous, not meeting anyone, not being anything. It honestly felt so much safer. If i am loved being a doll and kept from everything, sacrificing this overwhelming "freedom" where everything i do is wrong, not enough and bad it seems like a fair trade that i would be happy to make any day.
I ran away (vent)
𝓐𝓵𝔀𝓪𝔂𝓼 𝓳𝓾𝓼𝓽 𝓽𝓻𝔂 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓫𝓮𝓼𝓽, 𝓶𝔂 𝓭𝓮𝓪𝓻
last edit on
11/9/2025 1:44:48 PM
