Too much of a "yandere" to love, too little anything else to be loved.
I've spent far too long trying to be something I'm not, going on 22 years now. I wanted to be a person, I want to be a person, that's all I've ever wanted. I want to be able to love, I want to be something worth loving. But I'm broken. Just short of everything except nothing. Or at least that's what I try to tell myself, ..that I'm nothing, I can't feel anything! I can't hide from this. Deep down I know I want things to be different. I want things to be beautiful.
I'm consumed by love.
I can't even live up to being a failure, disguised as composure and meaning. I can't keep composure anymore. I'm not composed at all. And this doesn't mean anything. I'm trying to tell myself that I'm at least strong, strong enough to be stronger than everybody else, enough to not have tied a rope around my neck already, just like him. Enough to keep holding onto this fairy tale.. love. But I'm not. I'm afraid. Men don't cry over love like teenagers, a man shouldn't call out for someone to help him when he's stuck in a nightmare. I shouldn't have to resort to this. I feel so helpless. It's been two decades and nothing has changed. Nothing at all. It was a straight zero to eighteen for me, I never had the privilege of growing as something, a person. I'm still only just that powerless little kid.
Less than nothing.
I SHOULD be nothing. I don't know why I can't. I can't understand. Why do I still want to love, why is that all there is. Why is this all of me. I don't know.... After a quarter century of nothing I finally found someone who was ...IS everything. 20 years of trying, 20 years of nothing, and I finally found something that meant everything. That answer I've been searching for all my life.. and yet, it all makes sense now.
I'm already gone. I'm not here. There's nothing left. I've already died a long long time ago. It's no wonder nothing has changed. Love is everything, but it can't bring back the dead.
It won't.
This is all I can do now.