Yandere Community

MaiMai said: 

I am sort of new to this forum but i need help or advice with something that i can't go and ask anyone else this freely about.

I had a boyfriend i was deeply in love with for quite a few years, we became like one flesh. I remember us having times we truly laughed together and thought we could never part ways. But we also had regular almost daily conflicts in which our conversations would quickly be sexual and things were being demanded of me that i felt and still feel very uncomfortable with, i was pressured into doing them by means of manipulation for example, telling me he would be in immense pain otherwise and that i take responsibility to take care of his needs or he will satisfy them elsewhere. I of course didn't want that to happen and as naive as i was i did them. I regularly tried sharing my feelings about these things that made me feel used and hurt. My uncountless attempts of letting my pain known, wasn't heard and always continued on the same they did before on the next day. My frustration grew so much that eventually, after also often feeling abandoned, left alone and stranded with me feelings, i told him that i want to break up, end things, "divorce". It took very long until i finally parted ways with him fully. 

(He would then proceed to contact me on all plattforms i use, threaten and stalk me so i could barely use any social media anymore, even blocking wouldn't work because he would create new accounts with different names, write emails, call under different numbers and more and repeadietly confirm his intentional stalking and his threats, what caused me to then turn off the settings for anyone to contact me at all in the different apps as well, which was the only thing that sort of worked.)

I wanted to heal, especially from a sever mental illness i have been troubled by and that had worsened due to the stress and panicattacks the arguments and frustration had caused me. I wanted to work on myself and do well, rebuilding what i had lost. I wanted to make friends again with similar interests as well and so i joined a discord server about yanderes since they are a big interest of mine and a server called friends.

On the yandere server i saw a person defending people that were struggleing mentally in a very respectable manner and i found that admirable and wanted to befriend that person since our moral views seemed to overlap. 

After some time we started dating and got along incredibly well, i felt safe like never before. I felt like i was truly protected and cared for finally. I told him whenever there was another attempt of contacting me by my "stalker" and my boyfriend insisted on us working on writing a police report because especially the threats about actively coming to me and hurting me were scaring me a lot. I didn't really want to report him to the police though, because i don't want the guy to get any heavy consequences out of this, i feel like he does these things just out of panic and feeling lost and doesn't deserve anything bad to happen to him. Yet i still wrote the police report, afterall normal people would see that as the best thing to do in such a situation and i eventually got a response from the police as well. they told me they woul investigate my case.

My new boyfriend and i would also sometimes argue when i let my frustration about things known and he would say "it happened again" another argument, as if couples aren't supposed to have arguments. And when we do argue or i want to share how something upsets me he freezes and stops replying saying "he doesn't know what to say" and leaving me alone. My words don't reach him and i feel punished each time i want to share anything negative. He then proceeds to put the blame on me, but when i ask about it, stops explaining what he would even blame me for. And then he went ahead to ghost me despite knowing i have severe abandonment issues and can't sleep after such an argument, i kept trying to contact and talk to him but he simply leaves me alone.

To distract myself until his return i decided playing some games, my team did really well which is why our group wanted to play again together some time and created a discord server for us. Needing to add each other i turned my friend request permission back on and instantly my .. "stalker" instantly sent me a friend request, i thought maybe it arrived delayed, but today again, another appeared and i actually went ahead to ask him directly about it. Like: "Are you observing my profile?" he replied yes, that in all waking hours each day, each second he observes my profile, everything in attempts to reach me, showing me how he sent thousands of messages on a messanger i deactivated. 

And to be honest...seeing how he cares and wants to reach me this much, while my boyfriend simply ghosted me, it makes me think, if i shouldn't pull back the police report, break up with my boyfriend that leaves me alone whenever things get hard and go back together with my stalker... he asked to watch a movie soon, he misses me.. if i didn't know better i would wrap my arms around him to keep him close, because i know how it feels hopelessly trying to reach people, loving deeply helplessly.. i hate this situation. I feel so immensly hurt by what my boyfriend is doing to me, leaving me alone, ignoring me, letting me sleep in a bad state of mind, not being accountable... and now my stalker that seems genuenly so happy to finally have gotten a response from me.. I don't know what to do anymore, i feel immensly horrible and i don't think that i myself am currently able to make rational decisions.

So please, i know there are yanderes and none yanderes on this forum, any thoughts and advices are greatly appreciated. Please help me.

 you should take a break and focus on your team and game for now  and try to make a best friend who will understand you.as for the stalker just ignore him he might be messing with you again and just ghost the ghost too and if he [person ghosted you rn] apologize then think about if you should go back or not as for social media just made a one which doesn't have any links to you like a complete stranger from a different country

tldr: Ditch you current ghosting guy. Keep the police report and don't get together with stalking guy. Don't settle for nasty rotten people. Take better care of yourself please, even if it means cutting off nasty people.

It is easy for strangers to give advices on the matter they have not experienced before. Nonetheless I have my own 2 cents. I had similar relationships before, where people would abandon me in times of need for reassurance and connection... I don't get why people who claim to love you - wouldn't sit with you through your worst. Especially when you are hurting. 

MaiMai said:

i take responsibility to take care of his needs or he will satisfy them elsewhere.

Literally had the guy say the same shit to me. Do you actually want someone who goes 180 on you, and then runs back, knowing he lost someone perfect because of his own selfish actions ? I'd suggest not going back with the stalker and keep the police report. Who knows what he can do. Especially after THESE words.  

MaiMai said:

My words don't reach him and i feel punished each time i want to share anything negative. He then proceeds to put the blame on me, but when i ask about it, stops explaining what he would even blame me for. And then he went ahead to ghost me despite knowing i have severe abandonment issues and can't sleep after such an argument, i kept trying to contact and talk to him but he simply leaves me alone.

Break up please omg!!!!! This guy needs to grow up. If he is not ready to share negative moments with a partner, then he is not ready for a real relationship. A merely cutout "perfect image" he wants where everything is dandy and smooth. It was my impression from what I've read. But I'd definitely break up with someone who's not willing to give me their reassurance and time and care, but I'd pour myself out for them and do all I can to make them feel reassured.  ESPECIALLY GHOSTING, cmon!!!!!!! No excuses can excuse his actions!!! Ghosting in a relationship is like a big no. That's just stupid. 

Please, have a better standards for a relationship. Don't undermine yourself. Don't settle for someone who won't meet your needs. Especially who won't accept you, with whom you'll have to "erase" and hide parts of yourself, just for them to put more effort. 

While I agree with the general idea... Yeah, both are bad, none of them is worth the effort. I also have something to add from my experience as a yandere:

You need to learn to be alone... Of course I'm not saying it in a dumb normie way, I don't expect you to be okay with it, but more like... You need to be able to endure the temporary loneliness for the sake of better chances in the future... What I tell myself as reassurance is "I'm looking for my one and only, so when the struggle ends, it ends forever". Be strong and good luck.

I really appreciate your thoughts on this, especially the encouragement to also not beg for my more recent boyfriend to stay. I would personally rather chase but i feel stupid doing that, i felt extremly good and safe with him when we were both in a good mood, but i also see how he leaves me alone when things aren't perfect and that hurts a lot. I will try to do stuff by myself for now as best as i can. It affected me mentally so intensly that today i tried going to the doctor and he gave me the necessary papers to talk to a psychatrist as well and he even gave me days off from work because of how these things affect me. I will try my best to not fall into my typical patterns of chasing but it is very hard, especially since i can't tell how social interactions and relationships work. I did apologize the best i could to the "ghost" but he still hasn't appeared and the stalker still seems as depraved as the things i saw from him before, it hurts me a lot, but maybe you all are right.