Hi, I'm Vik. I have a problem with myself — I'm incredibly awkward online and sometimes feel like a grandma because I don't know how to talk to people. But in real life, I have lots of friends and so on, yet I feel that same loneliness in a crowd…
I'm into self-development, I'm building my own woodworking workshop, restoring furniture, and so on, which gives me a lot of work and stress… Because even though I enjoy talking to people, I feel like it wears me out…
And because of this, I have a big problem. No matter how many dates I went on, no matter how many times I tried to build relationships with guys, it was like Groundhog Day. Every beginning was almost identical — the stages of getting to know each other were all similar, and so on. Even though all the types of guys were different… I started to think at first that maybe the problem was me, because relatives, people at work, and friends keep asking why I don't have a boyfriend. And every time I thought through what I wanted to tell them — all of what I wrote above — I realized it sounded like I was just being difficult, so I would just say that I was tired… Even though I will always have time for evening walks and for a loved one.
And then I got interested in the topic of yandere. I studied the material and realized that maybe this was the very escape from routine that I was looking for. But still, something in my subconscious pushes me away from it — what if it's not that? What if I don't fit? And why do I even think that anyone would be interested in me? Or maybe I really should just force myself to try with regular guys after all?
Or maybe I'm completely mistaken and I need something else entirely?
Have you ever experienced something like this or anything similar? And if so, please tell me how you got through it — I'd be happy to hear every response.