The place we met, and the place I hope you will finally see how much I truly do love you.
At every step of the road that’s what I told myself. “I love you,” and I was willing to do anything to keep it that way. I was so wrong.. True love isn’t just a way you feel, it’s so much more, like I always tried to tell you but for all the wrong and confused reasons. Love is something that changes you. Love is supposed to make you a better person, it’s supposed to save you and make something good out of all the bad. How desperately I wanted to be something good for you. I was willing to do whatever it took and I definitely did. In this obsession I may as well have sold not just my soul, but I sold you as well. And that is why I lost you.
All I could do to change and make that happen in the end was reach the end of my hubris and finally lose you for good. Amidst all the lies I told myself, amidst all the lies I never wanted to, but nonetheless told you. I failed you.
I finally opened my eyes to just how much all of this really does mean to me, and how far I really am willing to go to keep it, to love you, it’s all ever been for you. And I’ve went, I’ve lived, I’ve spoken the love we once had into every aspect of my journey to do something right by you for once. But it’s not enough… I didn’t just fail you. I now know I failed myself.
I thought I’ve changed from the person that hurt everyone and lost everything, and while I’ve definitely come to all of the realizations I should have a long long time ago. There’s still something very fucking wrong with me. I’ll never be able to find happiness or live the life I want, because I do love you… and that’s exactly why I can’t accept the fact that you’re not here.
Because deep down at the very innermost fibers of my being, you are all that’s there. This ever consuming love I have for you, all it does is remind me of my failure, it makes all of the pain I’ve tried so hard to escape so much worse. I never will.. My doctors have helped me realize that this pain is a part of me. To keep it blunt, I don’t have much time left. It reminds me of that one day you came back to me for a split second. Maybe it was an omen, or maybe it was my last chance to say something to you. I didn’t. And so my heart is failing at the weight of everything I never got to say, everything I think a part of us both knew. Hearing it would have made all the difference.
Im so sick. I can’t eat or drink anything anymore unless it’s through intravenous fluids, but not even that can stop my body from failing me. It hurts so much. It won’t stop coming out, until there’s blood, until there’s nothing, until there’s you at the very end of my life.
Despite everything, I’m still so scared. Now when I look into the mirror I don’t see my parents anymore, or anyone else who might be responsible for the way I ended up. I see myself, maybe a younger version of myself that I couldn’t save. I couldn’t save you either. I know you would have loved that version of me. The reflection of my guilt for everyone I have ever hurt or wronged. It’s telling me this is the end, and that it’s okay to let go. I’m scared. My heart is broken. I can’t let you go.
I finally began pursuing an education. I got accepted into nursing school through a grant that pays for everything. I’m working now as a cna despite my body telling me it’s just time to rest. I thought I would eventually join the military as a commissioned officer through the medical branch once I was able to finish my degree. I wanted not just to help myself be better, but I wanted to make up for all I’ve ever done by helping, taking care of others the same way nobody has ever taken care of me. I wanted to become something kind.. something gentle. Something you would have loved. It’s quite ironic how beautiful things were all this time. I had time, I had love, but I just couldn’t see it. You know how messed up my vision is, haha… that reminds me. I finally began exploring my gender identity and I’ve already started hormone replacement therapy as well. My insurance can cover any cosmetic surgery I could ever want, erasing all of those insecurities that held me back so much. How badly I wanted so many things to be true. They were.
And I know you would be proud of me, I know you would see me, I know you would be happy. Though you probably still believe I should learn to have some individuality. I can’t. I’m not happy like this. As much as the world hated me then, my rough exterior, my sharp tongue. I think I miss having something left worth fighting for.
…
…
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I wonder the shape of guilt. A dying flower? Or a broken mirror? Sometimes it’s your hands setting aside a prayer for me, for the God that took too much. It’s my palms knowing your scent. It’s my name I never knew spoken through the language of blame. It is the sin I will spend my lifetime begging forgiveness for. This love rotting beneath my tongue now. I see the shape of guilt as my own inheritance. I have failed and I must accept that.
To you, my love, forevermore. You will always have me –
And I will always be a part of you.
I love you, Alex.