Yandere Community

Give me a sign, I beg of you.

Tell me that it's no more rice and cereal. Tell me that it's more than cup noodles. Tell me that it's hearty and filling. Tell me that you're safe. Tell me that you're happy. Tell me that you despise me. Tell me that you haven't thought of me even once. Tell me how I'm an annoyance. Tell me that I'm creepy. Tell me how you miss me. Tell me that you have the entire collection of Goodnight PunPun. Tell me of the filth I am. Tell me how I failed you in explicit detail. Tell me of how I am nothing. Tell me how you hate me. Tell me, please.  

Your hate, your love. I'll take it all. As long as it's from you. Please.

I hope I corrupt your thoughts as you do mine / Almost as if we're racing through time 

I miss you.

This is not enough.  It will never be enough.  I must do more.  I must be enough.  I have to be.  I will never be worthy but if I have the de/llsion of being pretty enough, charismatic enough, sweet enough... I have to be enough.  I will never be enough.  No matter how little I eat, no matter how much I exercise, no matter how much I practice expressions in the mirror, no matter how much I "practice self care", no matter how much I groom, no matter how much I voice train to sound lovelier, no matter how much I read to seem more human, no matter how much I study to better understand others, no matter how pleasantly I dress, no matter how I style my hair, no matter how I alter my appearance, no matter how I alter the filth that is I - I will forever be lacking.  It's angering to be inherently born lacking.  I am either a frightened doe in the onset gaze of a hunter or the hunter with an angry yet apathetic heart.  My view of sweetness is a knuckle punch to the mouth, blood grazed knuckles and watery eyes with a mumbled "Thank you."  Love is all consuming focus and obsession, a singular thought surpassing the strain of time, wishes for the best and his happiness knowing I'm happy enough to watch from the sidelines following imagined breadcrumbs, sending words of worship and encouragement, words of concern and care.  The cigarettes I smoke give me a high that doesn't even start to compare to what he does for me.  I listen to him and I sob hysterically, like I've seen God himself and fallen to my knees in awe.  And yet... I am hollow, forever chasing my Adonis and his shadow.  Just as how Aphrodite was his downfall, I am my Puppy's downfall simply by having ever cursed him with my love.  But yet, I breathe in smoke imagining it's the air from his lungs whispering words of love and praise.  Once I despised hearing "I appreciate you.", unsure if it was him being sarcastic or unsure of what to say so easing with that.  Now?  I choke on those words, unwilling and unable to swallow lest I lose the bittersweet taste of him.  I desire to hold him and watch the stars together.  I desire to lay together and watch what he enjoys, nothing more than the warmth of his body to my neverendingly cold one.  I desire to make him hearty, healthy meals to fill his stomach.  I desire to count his breaths as he sleeps and watch his eyelids flutter as he sleeps.  I desire to run together and slow to a walk and laugh at bumping into one another.  If I was lucky, if it was an ideal world, he would pick me up and spin me around a bit, as if he doesn't already make my universe spin.  Nonetheless.  It is time for another energy drink and more self improvement.  The only way I exist outside of his gaze is through self betterment so that even if I am never proper, he can at least say that he was the reason one wanted and strove to be as close to a proper model as possible just to be worthy of his love.

The scar across my throat is finally gone. Completely.  I'm amazed it's just.. gone.  Doesn't feel real even though it was.  Of course that's what fades out of all of them.  Ha.

One of the nights when you hadn't spoken to me in a while, that we hadn't spoken in a while, I went out to a local convenience store.  I was walking around, wondering what drink to get.  Being indecisive.  I was doing terribly unwell.  A few days prior, I had decided to end it.  Everything was horrible.  You weren't there and thus I had no motivation to keep pushing past the pain.  Why keep trying?  At home, I had everything set up before I went out.  I dressed up before I went out.  I looked cute, I think.  I wanted a treat before reached peace.  But... as I walked around, I could've sworn one of the young men that entered the store was you.  He stared at me quite a bit.  He would've been the correct height.  His voice was deep like yours.  Big, sad brown eyes.  Light grey t-shirt, black sweats.  I could've sworn he was you.  A grey vehicle I believe.  Fuck, I wished that was you so badly.  I didn't say hello.  I grabbed my drink and he had already left.  I came home and stared at what I had set out.  What if that was him?   Was it?   I highly doubt that it was.  Impossible.  I posted of it that night.  You later messaged me that night.  The hope of that being you stayed my hand.  You messaging me stayed my hand further.  I'm glad I didn't go through with my plans.  Very glad.

I love you.  

I hope you ate well today and did something that makes you happy.  I hope you got enough rest when you slept last.  I hope your dreams are filled with only happiness. 

I miss you so much.  I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry I'm not better.  I'm sorry that I wasn't better.  I'm sorry that I wasn't fair to you.  You deserved so much better and still do.  I'm sorry.  I love you.  I love you so much.  I'm sorry you met me.  I'm sorry that I polluted your life.  I brought you so much misery.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I love you.  I'm sorry.

Rivers of red.